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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

My Chemical Rage

So, you may not know this, but we all have a Hover Troop in our brains.  

His job is to help you  choose a great decision over a really crappy decision.
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Without medication my Hover Troop doesn't work....at all.

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That right there actually happened some years ago.  I was returning to work after lunch and this, um, gentleman was driving like a maniac down the freeway.  There was a woman in the passenger seat and a baby in the back.  My Chemical Rage kicked in and suggested that I chase them down.  My Hover Troop was down-down-down, so I chased chased chased---while wearing my Marine Corps uniform.  Ay dios.

The car exited the freeway and pulled over.  I told them that I was a Sheriff's Deputy who was also a Marine Corps reservist and that I had already called in their license plate info....they should expect a ticket in the mail.  

(Who does that?!!  Operating without a Hover Troop can be dangerous to your health.)  

LIES.  LIES.  LIES.  But, the looks on their faces fed the beast......the beast was highly satisfied that day.
My beast has several different faces.  I like to call this one Chemical Rage.

Medication doesn't make me 'normal' (whatever that is) by itself.  It just takes the edge off of crazy just enough to give me choices.  It allows me to psychologically hover over myself, over my decisions, emotions, impulses and then it's up to me to make a choice.  Do I feed the beast what it wants or do I make a healthy choice that will benefit everyone in the long run?

My Hover Troop is at its best when I faithfully take my medication and  keep my mind stayed on Jesus.  You may be familiar with the concept of taking every thought captive.  (II Corinthians 10:5-6)  It's where you first understand that thoughts, ideas and emotions are going to pop into your head but that doesn't mean you have to own them, act on them or align yourself with them.  Philippians 4:8 is the default standard--whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, things of virtue and of praise and then lean on the Holy Spirit for all things not covered by the default standard.

I may be chemically prone to Rage, but I refuse to let that beast define me.  My latest bout with the beast started Monday night.  I got hit on two separate fronts--in my marriage and via my cable tv.

I don't get pushed to that point very often any more but when it happens, it is palpable--I can feel it.  It is warm and black and it oozes down over me from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.  It will take over if I let it.  It will effect my entire being and all of my movements--if I let it.  Just having the choice to not Hulk out is such a blessing! Then actually choosing, by the grace of God, not to Hulk out has produced life altering results.

Someone like me can benefit exponentially just by knowing what makes you tick.  I realized during this latest episode that I find a lot of comfort and stability in my routine.  When my routine gets disturbed, in this case, my husband changing cable companies, I became enraged--even though I didn't want to be angry!!--because the change caused SO MUCH discomfort to my broken brain.

I am looking forward to taking this new discovery and seeing how I can use that knowledge to possibly put the Raging Beast behind me once and for all.  ......I still can't believe I told those people I was a Sheriff's Deputy.  Seriously--who does that??!


Thank you for sampling my brand of crazy today.  If you've read this blog I ask you to Holla Back! in the comments with: Who does that??! :OP

Don't forget to check out my Featured Friend below.  All my love....

~me~
Do you hear that?  Your Hover Troop is telling you to choose my friend,
of
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