Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Mother's Gut

My daughter 'graduated' from PreK yesterday.  She had been attending 90 minute classes twice a week for the better part of this spring semester and the session came to a close this week.  After attending their class program celebrating the end, there is no sliver of doubt in my mind that my decision to home school in the fall is what is right at this time for my little girl.
Cadence looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable with her teachers.
She has been enjoying "school" and has shared no complaints.  The only negative feedback has been
about one of the girls in her class.  I will call this child Helen because I have witnessed her behavior and she reminds me of what I've read of Helen Keller before Anne Sullivan came on the scene.  She is wild and passionate yet there is something unsettling in her eyes--a discomfort or a longing.  I say she's longing for boundaries and desperate for some discipline, but who knows...

Throughout the semester I'd hear about different things that Helen did.  She told another kid to shut up.  She told my neighbor's daughter that she couldn't sit next to her.  She was always getting her name written on the board.  And I've personally witnessed her throw a fit.

The kids were all set up in front of us for their little ceremony yesterday.  They recited the pledge of allegiance and sang songs.  I was really surprised at how reserved and frankly uncomfortable my Cadence looked up there.  She is quite the ham at home and in front of family, friends and often times strangers.  I figured it was just performance jitters.

Performing for the parents.
When the program was finished she wanted to sit with me and her dad instead of with her classmates.  I found that odd.  She typically enjoys playing with other kids.  I couldn't then and still can't put my finger on what my spirit was discerning, but my mama antenna was on high alert.

It was about 11am, yet it felt like 3pm--what a long morning it had been and it was time to head home.  We schlepped all the kids back to the truck and as my husband was getting ready to pull away from the curb, Cadence told us that Helen had been "touching her privates" in class today.

Helen had worn a dress that day and apparently Cadence witnessed her lift up her dress, reveal her underwear, (gasps of horror--Cadence is in the process of learning that this is quite unladylike : P ) put her hand down in her underpants and presumably touch her privates.

My head snapped back to look Cadence in the eyes for this conversation.  As my head whipped around, I reminded myself to play it cool for her sake, but I was on meltdown mode inside.  I'll never forget her face.  I'll never forget how uncomfortable she looked.  I felt so guilty that I had allowed her to be in that troubled child's company when it was simply not necessary.

I was grieved for Helen and hoped that it was simply a child being a child and not the result of her having being preyed upon.

As the issue of kindergarten has hovered over us this past year, I've not had a release in my spirit about sending Cadence to public school.  I did feel comfortable with sending her to PreK since it was only 90 minutes twice a week.  By the time this spring session began I'd already decided to home school her in the fall.

A dear friend of mine whom I love and respect told me that I was selfish for deciding to home school.  I know her heart and she meant well, but that really stung.  She meant well.  Satan did not.  Satan "meant evil against me; but God meant it for good...." (Genesis 50:20)

Instead of a chemical rage, I experienced a chemical pain that stifled my creativity for weeks.  What I mean by chemical is that I am experiencing an emotion that I'm not necessarily owning--I can sense that emotions are chemically being introduced into my system.  I believe my medication helps me to distinguish between what I truly feel from my soul and what is chemical.

It was so irritating!  I wasn't angry at my friend, or even hurt because I knew she was trying to help me.  Yet, I was frozen in this chemical rut.   I'm hoping to get a handle on that part of my broken brain sooner than later, but I digress.

I have since mulled over the irony of being told that my decision was selfish.  My life would be so much easier if Cadence was out of the house 7 hours a day for five days a week.  She is my song that never stops playing.  She is a ray of light that never stops shining.  She is exhausting, yet her body does not require naps.  I require her body to nap. Ha!

My illness loathes structure, deadlines, commitment, responsibility.  Any one who really knows me will tell you that I don't like children in general.  I am impatient and teaching is one of my weakest points as a parent.  I do not enjoy reading books to my kids or teaching them how to read or write.  School is absolutely the last thing I have a desire to be involved with.

But!  I know what I am discerning in my spirit.  My child, my first born is not supposed to be in public school in the fall of 2014.  One thing my illness has taught me is to live in the moment--to not make all inclusive, sweeping generalizations.  I don't know what the future holds, but in this moment, at this time, she's not ready for that situation.

My Cadence.
She's 4 years old and she's thriving, for now, in a bubble of innocence.  It is neither necessary nor beneficial at this moment to alter that and I challenge anyone to give me one good reason why my kid at this moment needs to exit the bubble.

My mind is made up and by the grace of God I am presently healthy enough to take on this task and so help me I'm going to get it together and do what I need to do for my kid to have the kindergarten she needs.  He has oh so coincidentally placed some key people into our lives.  I have several veteran, home schooling moms to lean on and Cadence's PreK teacher, who simply adores her, sought me out yesterday to adamantly encouraged me to contact her should I require any assistance or materials.

God is moving and doing awesome things as I walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)  Here's hoping I don't scar my kid for life!! :OP

Thank you for reading today.  Won't you Holla Back!! in the comments with, "You can do this, Nyla!!"  Until next time, all my crazy crazy love.....


Ms Wendy Woerner
The 2:1 Conference is a faith based conference for homeschooling parents who blog 
(not just about homeschooling), or are otherwise interested in social media 
(i.e. Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest).
Offering knowledgeable speakers, our goal at 2:1 is to equip you with the tools and confidence needed to succeed in your blogging as well as homeschooling journeys. All while connecting you with brands and opportunities, relevant to your lifestyle.
We strive to encourage and educate by teaching social media skills, networking techniques and the art of blog crafting.We also stress the importance of maintaining a balance by keeping Christ first in our homesWe are dedicated to ensuring every attendee comes away from 2:1 with new tools, resources and skills as well as a renewed spirit.