Sunday, September 28, 2014

Life Better Have A Pair of Big Girl Panties in My Size

The convenient thing about a pitiful existence is that there's not much at stake from day to day.
I used to be pitiful.  My biggest daily challenge used to be taking a shower, but I've been working my buns off and by the grace of God I'm now living a wonderful life I never thought possible.
My days have become so full and my evenings buzz with promise for tomorrow. But, about two weeks ago I tasted this bitter morsel of irony.

Just as I was beginning to manage my anxiety enough to start conquering the world, I began to be plagued by a new kind of anxiety which caused me to obsess over whether or not I could keep up this exciting pace--now I was experiencing anxiety at the sudden realization that I have so much to lose.

(Please know that I'm not referring to over doing it.  I'm referring to what the average person would agree is a healthy, normal, balanced pace of life.)

Now that I value quality of life over avoiding challenge and discomfort, now that I'm organized enough to have time to cook a healthy meal, to read a passage of scripture daily, to exercise, to home school my daughter, to blog!--I feel a void when I fail to do these and other things, and that void has recently morphed into anxiety.

I have a bad habit of leaving my hair looking a mess, maybe only one eyebrow is penciled in with mascara oozing away from it's original target, wearing some bizarre combination of sweats, t-shirt and a cheap bra.
Not making myself at least look sane enough for a trip to the dumpster plants residual seeds of reclusivity that quickly spawn into anxiety and I'm suddenly worrying about someone ringing the doorbell or how I "can't" run out to the yard and pick up those toys the kids left.....when I don't get dressed, like--put on real clothes, it gets bad.
I'm learning that there are certain marks, like putting on real clothes, that I have to hit or else my day or God forbid my entire life-routine gets thrown out of whack. I have to rise no later than 7:30am. I have to have some alone time first thing in the morning. I have to have a neat home, not necessarily a clean home, but a neat home. I have to prepare myself to be seen each morning.
So, I was suddenly face to face with the regimen of responsibility that must be adhered to if I intend to continue achieving and enjoying this new success.  I pitifully questioned, for a moment, if it was all worth it, then came to my senses and resolved to figure it out.

The seemingly high probability for devastating failure, peppered with nauseating flashbacks of a guilt I am all too familiar with, were inciting an Unsorted Anxiety riot in my brain when, suddenly, the latter portion of Luke 12:48 popped into my head:
....To whom much is given, much is required.
Allow me to respectfully suggest that this is the Bible's way of inviting me to put on my Big Girl Life-Panties. I used to think that verse was talking about money or talents.

Now that I'm a bit older than the last time I considered that verse, I know that our Father gives us so much more than money or talent for He has answered my prayers and made my wildest dreams come true and I'm neither rich nor impressively talented in any one way.

He has given me a story of victory; I must blog
He has given me a good husband; I must dote on him.
He has given me three empty canvases called new life; 
I must teach them to love God, preserve their innocence and instruct them on how to survive in this world.
He has given me a fine house; I must maintain it.
He has given me good health; I must nurture it.
He has given me incredible parents to whom He has also given much; I must not waste this resource.
 He has given me handful of amazing relationships; I must nurture them.
He has given me an ear to listen to the pain of others; I must make time for them.
He has given me a flawed brain; I must use it to remember that nothing is by my might or power but by His spirit
 I want to leave you with a verse from my reading today--a verse that corroborates one of my personal Anxiety Commandments: Just Keep Moving!!
Ecclesiastes 11:6 Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don't know if profit will come from one activity or another--or maybe both.
His grace is greater, so there is indeed a pair of Big Girl Life-Panties out there big enough for me to take on all the responsibility that comes with all I've been given.  And, in whatever moments I get flustered, I'll just keep moving!
Click here to learn about my Anxiety Management System.

Until next time, all my crazy crazy love,